Blog ONE: My 12-Month Countdown!

This year, 2010, I'm going to lose 100 pounds. That is my goal. I am going to change this unhealthy body into a healthy body. The girl who has always been chubby, who has yo-yo dieted way too much over the years, and who has found great comfort in unwholesome, harmful food, is going to change her life around.

And I am inviting you all to share in the journey with me.

Note: Not every blog entry of mine is going to be this long; however, I feel that I need to establish some background for you to understand where I am coming from. So please, read at your own pace, and don't worry if you need to take a bathroom or any other kind of break in the middle. I will forgive you for leaving my exciting, lively, passionate blog to go do something else until you feel the pull to come back.

Another note: I am also posting pictures. I decided not to post "bikini" or "bathing suit" pictures for a few reasons. #1. Later in this blog I will reveal my weight to all of you. That is taking all the courage I have for today. #2. You can still see my problem areas in these pictures with fitted clothing on. I've realized clothes don't hide EVERYTHING (WHAT? I don't look like I'm 130 pounds in this dress??!?!) and #3. I don't want those roley-poley pictures to be available to everyone in the world when I'm on some talk show about my music in the future. Although, I may give them freely at that point, I don't know. The point is that I DECIDE! =)

Wow...2009....what a year I am emerging from. There are some things from this past year that I can't fully let go of...like the tragic passing of BOTH of my lovely parents: Dad from an aneurysm, and less than 4 months later, Mom from cancer. I am still grieving. I didn't realize what a process grieving would be and what an emotional rollercoaster my family and I would be living on day in and day out. My parents are a big part of me, and there will be days that I write about them more. I just wanted to put it out there first and foremost that I love and miss them dearly, that I think of them every day, and that part of why I am embarking on this journey is because of what I've learned from my beautiful mom about health and organic eating and weight-loss. I know they will look down on me so proud of what I am doing this year.

Food

I am a pretty self-aware woman. I have had a lot of time to think about myself and ponder my reactions to life and people and circumstances. I cannot count how many times this past year I have drowned my sorrow in food. I have this love/hate relationship with food. I LOOOOVE the taste. I love the textures. I enjoy the pleasure that I feel when I'm eating McDonald's fries with mayo or a box of cookies or a carton of ice cream or a bag of chips. It feels GOOD. But this past year (and many other times during my life), every time I raced home excited from work to be alone and eat those things while plunking myself down on the couch and not moving for the rest of the night to get seconds, thirds, fourths...til whatever I was eating was polished off...the excitement faded into this "UGH WHAT AM I DOING TO MYSELF???" feeling afterwards.

I'm sure everyone in North America has felt that at some point, whether it's once a year after big Christmas dinners or whether it's a daily feeling. I know I'm not alone in that. Personally, I have dealt with this feeling over and over again throughout my life. And, I hate to admit, I have come to that "ugh" thought pretty much every day throughout the past year. And every time I felt like that, soon after came the thought, "Sooner or later, I'm going to have to change this if I'm every going to be happy, and if I'm going to not have a heart attack". Sometimes at night, I would pray that God would keep my physical heart safe until I got up the strength to start eating healthily. I PRAYED I WOULDN'T HAVE A HEART ATTACK.

The past 10 days or so, my hands have been falling asleep while I'm sleeping. I wake up and they are fully asleep. It is a VERY SCARY feeling. The feeling in my hands comes back slowly as I wake up and move them around and rub them together a bit. I type notes for hard of hearing college students for work, and I'm also a pianist and singer. My hands are my livlihood in every way. I thought that maybe I was just laying on my hands in a funny way...but every night? I came to the realization that my blood circulation is probably a bit low right now. All I've done for the past month (being on Christmas break from work) is chill, relax, veg, and eat (and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat).

The realization that I am 28 years old and haven't taken care of my body for so long and that physical problems COULD happen to me is what kicked my butt into gear this week.

Kickboxing

Wednesday night (two nights ago), I went to a kickboxing gym that I had never been to before. I used to kickbox a few years ago in my hometown, but moving closer to Toronto, I hadn't found a gym up until this point (hadn't really tried very hard to do so, either!) I talked to a friend about how one workout I actually enjoy is kickboxing. I HATE running on a treadmill, I DREAD going to a normal gym, and I LOATHE workout videos. (Hey, I'm being honest here!) But when I'm kickboxing, I'm thinking about how my form looks, targeting the bags or pads, and whether the punch I just threw would actually really hurt someone if I got the chance to hit them in the face (hey, it's better to think that then "This is exercise, I hate it, it sucks"......isn't it?)

The friend I mentioned the boxing to just conveniently had a membership to a boxing gym near to where I live, and also had a free week pass for a for a friend. I had no excuse not to go. I was very, very, very nervous about going for the first time. I haven't worked out in MONTHS. Over the summer 2009 while renovating our parents' home after their passing away, I got pretty agile. An "Andrea" type of agile...not an Olympic athlete type of agile. There is a difference, unforunately (which is why I'm sitting here writing a blog instead of getting ready to compete in the 2010 Winter Olympic Games! That, and I have a 100 pounds to lose!). But when I started back to work in the fall, and started just sitting around eating after we were done the renovations, I lost all of that agility, and gained a lot of weight.

So...I bit the bullet and went to the kickboxing gym. And I liked it. A LOT. It felt so good to DRIP SWEAT. It also helped that there were quite a few cutie guys there (who were also friendly!). My sister said to me the other night, "Maybe you will meet your husband there". I found that quite amusing, because it would be pretty ironice for ME....the LAZY-ish one, the one who generally HATES to work out...to meet my husband at a GYM of all places! Oh man, I am laughing right now. It will probably happen "just because". That's how life is. I am still sore tonight from the workout, but I did it. Did my arms start to ache during WARMUP?? YES! And I was laughing to myself thinking, "This is so pathetic...we haven't even started the workout yet!" Was I agile? Nope. Was I a kickboxing star? Heck, no. Was I breathing so hard I thought I was going to pass out a couple times? Sadly, yes. But I made it through the entire class, and no one laughed at me. No one stared at me and said, "Look at that chubby chick trying to get into shape!" (And if they did, I didn't hear it, and it's a good thing considering I was practicing my right hook!)

My Secret (weight)

Okay, so the moment of truth. When I moved to this area a few months ago, my scale handily ran out of batteries and I just kept on forgetting to get a new battery...darn. So for the past few months I have not weighed myself. I have just started wearing a different "style" of clothing, which does not include jeans (and for those of you who don't get it....it's cause they don't fit!)

Are you ready for this?? I weighed in yesterday at a WHOPPING 317 pounds!!!! AAGHHGH! WHAT?!??! ME?!?! 317 POUNDS?? First of all, I can't believe I just told you that on a public blogging site. Secondly...only the people on "The Biggest Loser" weigh 317 pounds, and many of them not even that much! (On a side note, this year I would sit and watch that show, eating chips or cookies or McDonald's and text my friend and say, "Wow...I am brutal...I am watching "The Biggest Loser" while stuffing my face with bad food right now").

Anyway, tomorrow I am weighing in again. Let's hope it's not 317 pounds. And please...have some respect. This is OUR SECRET. Don't tell anyone what I weigh!

So for those of you who are really bad at math, and don't have a calculator handy, my goal is 217 pounds by the end of 2010. Yes, 217 still sounds like a lot, but my main goal is to be HEALTHY and energetic. Please also remember that I am 5'11", I have a very muscular build (and no, that is not the same thing as saying "I'm big-boned"), but I am also big-boned (haha), and another goal of mine is to break into the plus-sized modeling industry (size 12-14) after I lose the 100 pounds. So I can't be a complete skinny-minny. I have to admit, too, I like curves. And so do many men over 35 years old, I've realized!

Today I received an order of organic fruits and vegetables from an organic company that delivers in the GTA (Greater Toronto Area). It was exciting. Although, there is one root kinda thingy that is completely foreign to me (don't know what to use it in, don't know what it's called?), and a bag FULL of beets (what the HECK am I going to do with beets, for crying out loud?)...but other than that, it was exciting.

HEALTH CAN BE EXCITING! I am in a COMPLETELY different mindset than 2 days ago, before I went to that kickboxing class. I feel in control. Weird. I have only controlled my eating and workout habits for 2 days, and I already feel more excitement and control over my life. There are things in life that you can't control...like losing loved ones, like the weather, like other people's reactions and feelings, and like your physical disposition. But you CAN control what you eat.

All it takes is the first step. Getting up off that couch, clenching your jaw (not too hard!), putting your fears behind you, and going that kickboxing gym where you know no one, where you feel totally out of place, like an intruder in "healthyland"...it's a big step. I know. I did it. And so can you. And even if you are slim but you eat like a little piggy, 2010 can be a healthier year for you as well. Just because you don't pack on the pounds like some people (yours truly), doesn't mean your heart and arteries and liver and blood won't thank you for giving them some nutrients and vitamins and good 'ol exercise once in awhile!

Thanks for reading. I'm excited to be on this journey. Well...today I'm excited. I might have down days: in fact, I'm SURE I will. But I'm going to be honest with you every step of the way. And I hope you stick in there with me! (Even though I called you a little piggy).

xo - andrea